Sunday, December 13, 2009

A season of life

Some things will never be forgotten, somethings made an impression on my life and changed me forever. Those three things were three years that were three of the hardest years of my life thus far...they were filled with three pregnancy losses, months after months of trying to get pregnant (those who have had to try for periods of time understand the frustration this brings along with other emotions), medical tests, medical procedures, medicines and most of all a host of emotions from sadness, frustration, anger, happiness and then back to sadness. Questions for doctors, questions for God..."what are you trying to show me God?" What more can i learn that i haven't already learned?"

Looking back, i think i was starting to be if not already somewhat depressed. I knew God was in control, i knew there was a reason, i knew God had a plan that i could not see...even though i knew these things, i was sad and that was bottom line!

After many tests, we started the medical intervention of artificial insemination...and as it sounds there is nothing romantic about the first month after some testing we were told we should not waste our time due to the unfavorable test results unless our insurance was paying...they were, so we continued on. After several months of this it was getting old...we decided to take a month off...i went off my meds, i don't even remember why other than i was resigning to the fact that our family may be complete and was beginning to accept (not wholeheartedly) this.

God had a surprise that month for us. God was working out His plan, God was answering our prayers as we had a positive test with no intervention and unfavorable circumstances. It wasn't how we planned our family, it wasn't how we wanted to get to child #3...but God's plans as often are were different than our own.

I remember going to the fertility specialist office to see if there was a heartbeat (my hcg numbers were low so i had been warned of a possible miscarriage once again) i thought my heart might jump out of my chest while laying on that table staring at the screen...and there it was...a beating heart that instantly sent me into tears! To say my heart was guarded during my pregnancy with Ethan would be an understatement!

So what was God trying to teach me? I don't know specifically but i could list a number of things that i did learn. I'm thankful that God was patient with me even when i was angry with Him for a time, I'm thankful that He stayed with me through the whole three years even though His plans were different than ours. I'm thankful He gently held my hand even though at times my fists were clenched, and i am so thankful for the two additional blessings (Ethan and Raegan) that He decided to entrust us with.

Life is a miracle! I will never forget my three angel babies in Heaven that forever changed me!

I am thankful that this season of life is past but thankful for what it taught me! The song "Praise You in This Storm" (in my music playlist) was one of the songs that helped me through "this season".

I was thankful during this time to be able to be part of an online support Hannah's Prayer Ministries in which i was able to meet others online and actually a couple in person who were going through some of the same struggles from primary infertility, secondary infertility, pregnancy loss, infant death, ect. It opened my eyes to SO much! It was wonderful to have supportive prayerful ladies during that time!


Scott, Joanna, Matthew said...

Infertility is the hardest thing that my husband and I have had to deal with. It was hard for me and I too believe that I was starting to get depressed until I finally prayed and asked God to guide us in the direction He had for our life. God lead us to adoption and we have a wonderful relationship with our son's birthparents and their families. It is amazing how God works in miracleously ways.

Tina... said...

Thanks Elisa, for sharing from your heart...the hurt/pain of miscarriage...and the joy/excitement of life. I always appreciate your honesty.